Thankful the bitterness is gone

meandKIt’s time for the official what makes me thankful Thanksgiving post! And for me, every day, I am most thankful my son has erased the bitterness that used to sit in my heart and eat away at me, especially around the holidays.

I was always indifferent about having children. Take ’em or leave ’em. But mostly just take them far away from me. The day I found out I was pregnant for the first time I was more shocked than excited. It was a sudden life change I didn’t think I was ready for. And then slowly the idea grew on me until I was excited. I bought books, signed up for websites, started prepping and then it all came crashing down when I started cramping in the middle of the night. And then suddenly that baby and all our family plans were gone overnight. And then the bitterness set in.

We didn’t start officially trying for another year, but by then I was already avoiding baby showers and hiding all my friends on Facebook that were happily posting cute baby pictures. Christmas cards that were just pics of children went straight in the trash. Birth announcements were like little daggers in my heart. Over the next seven years we went through charting, fertility drugs, IUI and finally IVF. Over that span of time I missed out on celebrating my friends’ births and taking an interest in their children because it all just made me sad. I got tired of people asking and just started telling everyone we didn’t want kids. I was a big liar.

Trying and failing for so long, and going through a monthly rollercoaster of being excited and hopeful, then sad and depressed really takes a toll on a person. And even when you try to stay level-headed, you still go a little crazy. It’s why I started my original blog Stop Telling Me to Relax. I needed an outlet and writing has always helped. And through that I connected to other people going through the same thing. I’m thankful for those people as well. It makes me incredibly happy when I check back in on them and see another one has been able to move out of that place of hope and despair.

I’m a different person now. I smile when I see baby announcements. I enjoy baby showers. I love seeing pics of my friends’ kids on Facebook. I️ reactivated all those people I hid years before, went through their photos and caught up on their lives. Having a child was, and is still, such an amazing huge heart-healing experience for me. It’s like that little black cold angry part of my heart just melted away. And it always reminds me of the Grinch, and how his heart grew three sizes that day. That’s how my son makes me feel every day, and I will forever be thankful for that.

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8 thoughts on “Thankful the bitterness is gone

  1. One of the hardest things for me to accept when I found I out I was pregnant was that I was not going to be good enough for the job. That is how depression works. It kills whatever self esteem you have and leaves you so lost in how to think positive.

    I look at both of my girls today and I know that I am doing the best I can with the tools I’ve been given in a world destine to bring me down. One day a time is how I parent as that is all I can really manage.

    Like

  2. Wow, brutal. Thanks so much for sharing. I knew you had a go of it with IVF but I didn’t know about the miscarriage. I’m so sorry. And I’m so happy for you now. Omg make SO MANY construction paper turkey sand cotton ball snowmen!! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you found your peace and the bitterness is gone. I am, fortunately, in the same boat as you 😊 I love babies and celebrating the arrival of little ones since Maeve arrived. It’s so nice to be myself again.

    Liked by 1 person

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