Mommy Has a Potty Mouth

Potty MouthYesterday while driving a car cut me off and I yelled “Shit!”
Immediately from the backseat I hear “Shit! Shit! Mommy Shit!” Shouted with great enthusiasm.
Silently, I think: Shit. Shit. Shit.

Now I’m perplexed. What AM I supposed to yell if “shit” is off the table, along with all its other 4 letter cousins? So I started try to come up with new things I could curse with.

Sugar! Shitzu! Shizoozle! Snootchie Bootchies!

None of these seem quite as satisfying. I have no idea how I’m going to retrain myself. It’s just an automatic thing. But I’m going to have to put the effort in.

Especially after somebody ran a 4-way-stop today and right on cue I hear an echo from the backseat going “Hey Jackass!”

oops…

Living by a new set of rules

1uwe9mNothing makes sense anymore. In my old, pre-baby life, if someone asked me for waffles, I’d make them waffles and we’d be good. Now if the child asks for waffles, I end up with screams of despair and cold waffles and I’m still not really sure where I went wrong. I’ve given up trying to figure it out. The only thing I know is, there is a new set of rules, and I’m not the one making them.

Top 10 Toddler Rules for Parents (especially those of crazy little boys)

1) Never let your guard down. The moment you do you get beaned in the head with something. Probably something hard.

2) Don’t look away. Because when you turn back around they are probably already hanging off a window ledge.

3) Don’t invest in whatever they eat at someone else’s house. Because when you get home they’ll hate it. And then you have five boxes of fruit bars they keep trying to feed to the dog.

4) Don’t invest in what they like today at your own house either because tomorrow they will most likely hate it, and by now the dog is getting pretty fat.

5) Diaper-free time means I’m cleaning pee up off the floor time.

6) There’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything. The right way is that one way you did it the first time three weeks ago. The wrong way is however you are trying to do it now, so you get an extended tantrum for your failure to remember to do it the right way.

7) There is a specific tiny car for every activity or outing. Also, you will need about 5,679 hot wheels cars to get through toddlerhood.

8) If there is a puddle, they will find it. If there is dirt, they will find it. If there is both, you might as well just camp out for a while.

9) They can be the worst little hellion ever and wipe it away with a hug, a kiss and a sweet little baby voiced “I love you.” And they know it.

10) They are going to steal your heart and one day you’ll miss the puddles and tiny cars and insistence on being carried everywhere. Toddlerhood doesn’t last forever. Just cover your ears keep repeating that during the next screamfest that erupts because you won’t let them lick the light socket.

The Real Reason Toddlers Have Tantrums

My 2-year-old is going through some intense development right now, and the resulting tantrums are quite impressive. I am lucky they are short-lived because the decibel level of the screams could possibly cause some eardrum issues. If I have any future hearing loss, I’ll be telling my son he did this to me as a toddler. I’ve read a lot about it being the result of them not being able to communicate, and then the frustration manifests itself as a screaming demon. The articles didn’t actually say “screaming demon,” but I know what they were getting at. So I’m going to unveil the mystery behind what really causes tantrums:

  1. You gave them the cookie they asked for. It was the wrong cookie.
  2. You gave them the right cookie, but you put it in the wrong spot. Cookie is now on the floor.
  3. You picked the cookie up off the floor. No!! They were going to eat that.
  4. We’re done with cookies and now want cars. You can’t find the right car
  5. You found the right car, but put it on the table and he wanted it on the floor.

Do you see a pattern here? It’s obviously us. We’re doing it all wrong. Our mind reading skills are just not sharp enough. Some days we get it. And some days, you just have to hand them the whole darn bag of cookies and walk away.

toddler tantrum