I feel like I’m welcoming the new year by walking into a field of land mines. I’m afraid of what may be around the corner and instead of joyously shedding 2020, I’m hiding around the corner cautiously poking things with a stick. I feel like it’s possible for anything I attempt to blow-up in my face. Not exactly a good place to be, or a good way to start the year.
I was ready to throw myself into this new fun magazine project. I was ready to try doing a table for my book at my first in-person event since the pandemic hit. I was ready to do a lot of things, and then my best friend suddenly passed away and now mostly I just want to lie facedown and not move.
And sometimes I do that. But it seems to worry my husband, who feels compelled to ask me what’s wrong, as if I might have a new answer. And my son takes it as an invite to jump on me like a jungle gym. So playing comatose isn’t really helping. It seems my only option is to just keep moving.
So here I am. Trying to move and navigate this new territory of grief soaked existence. I know it will get easier with time. I know people survive far worse tragedies and pick themselves back up and keep going. I know the world will keep going regardless of what I do.
I’m just trying to find my footing again, and I know one thing that always helps is to write about it. So this is my first cautious step into the new year. I know nothing will magically erase the shit show that was 2020, and I have absolutely no control of what punches may be thrown at me in 2021. But if I can just get up off the floor and keep moving, I might grow strong enough again to punch back.
Geek Mamas 
You are doing what you have to do and getting thru it – be comfortable collapsing when you have to and cry every single time you feel the urge- it will help you get to the other side- you’ve got this Mama
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Thank you… You know how special she was…and always will be to me ❤
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It has been a bad year with a friend & coworker of 15 years dying of a type of cancer in September and the new year started with our dog dying. So I spend part of new years day digging a grave in the back yard/ But we have to keep going on, with support from our friends, family, and co workers. Think of the good times you shared and try to maintain a positive feeling. It may be hard but remember they do not want you to be sad.
jsm
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Sorry to hear of the loss of your friend and your dog. Losing a dog is also losing a best friend. Hope your year gets better from here on out!
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Grieving is part of the healing process. The strong must grieve to heal properly. It hurts. But let yourself grieve. Let yourself remember the good. Yes, one foot in front of the other Gram would say. Sending love and prayers
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Gram must have been guiding me because that’s what kept going through my head to try and get going…one foot in front of the other. ❤
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I am so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine losing my best friend. The grief process is different for everyone and never truly over, the perspective changes and you deal with it better. I lost a dear friend a couple of years ago, and I still cry when I need to, but I also talk out loud to her when I want, and often laugh while doing it. I am sitting here right now watching football and saw her beloved Buffalo Bills winning and said to my husband, “Terri must be so happy right now!” So I feel her and carry her with me. Sorry for the ramble! Sending you lots of love and hugs. xo
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It’s ok to ramble, I welcome the stories and advice 🙂 The perspective slowly shifts on a daily basis to a more functional state of being. But a fragile state that seems to easily be blown by a memory. I look forward to a shift toward smiling at the memories. 🙂
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xoxo
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