When I was little, my grandmother wore several large diamond rings on her hand. She’d let me try them on and say, “One day, this one will be yours.” She’d point to a large diamond ring, and I’d ooh and aah over it.

As I got older, she’d still point to the ring and say, “One day, this will be yours.” But as I got old enough to understand what that meant, I started telling her, “I don’t want that ring if it means you’re gone!”

I got my diamond ring this February, when my grandmother, who I always called Nanny, passed away shortly before her 81st birthday. She was such a big person in my life, and there’s so much I wanted to say to her, so many times I wish she was here to talk to. I’ve been wanting to write this post since the funeral, but also dreading it.

Her funeral was nice, but a little impersonal. All I recall is the person from the funeral home giving some basic info and prayers. When we got to the end and nobody had spoken, nobody had shared personal details about what a wonderful person she was, I felt like Nanny needed more.

I felt she would have expected me to have written something nice for her, and I did. It wasn’t something I was sure I could share, but I also felt like she’d be like, “Candylee just get up there and say it.”

So I did.

The whole thing is a blur of tears. I don’t know if I even spoke loud enough or slow enough for anyone to understand the words, but I did it. I haven’t looked at it since because it hurts too much. But I felt like writing it out again would help me, so here it is.

It doesn’t follow any particular rhyme scheme, it’s clunky and personal, but I just wrote from the heart.

The Ring I Never Wanted

Nanny told me
since I was 8 years old,
This ring will be yours one day
all sparkling diamonds and gold.

As a kid, I oohed and ahhed
and tried it on my fingers,
It was heavy on my hands at first,
but my heart is where it lingers.

Through the years as I got older
And understood what it really meant,
That yes, the ring would be mine one day,
but only when her last breath was spent.

And still she’d point,
but then I’d say,
If it means that you are gone,
Then I never want to see that day.

Because she gave me so many other gifts,
The kind you cannot buy.
Like her love,
a passion for sewing & crafts,
and a shoulder on which to cry.

Nanny is the one I ran to,
When my own mom made me want to shout,
And she’s the one I ran to,
When I needed to escape.
When I needed to get out.

She was always there for me,
no matter what I needed.
And she forever left her mark on me,
with the creative spirit that she seeded.

And through those lessons,
of life, love and sewing,
I’ll keep her spirit living on,
I’ll keep moving and keep growing.

But today’s the day I wear the ring,
that Nanny can no longer wear.
Because today’s the day we say goodbye,
a thought I can hardly bear.

And while wearing it
is something I never wanted to do,
I know that every sparkle, every rainbow,
It’s Nanny’s love coming through.

And I know she loves me too.

My last pic with Nanny. I’m so glad I got to visit her one last time!